Dating toy boys gave me back my life destroyed by a narcissist.

My new life at 42 when arrived in London

I am now 52 years old and in the past had two Italian husbands.

I arrived in London in 2011 when 42 years old with my second husband to have a big change in our boring Italian lives.

But after 2 years I split from my second husband because he decided to go back to Italy and I started to date men through a dating website called plenty of fish.

Until that moment I had only two men in my life ( my first and second Italian husband because in my home country dating too much is considered a sin for that strong Catholicism imprinted in the mind of people )

Instead in London I had finally all the freedom I was looking for

I was surprised to be so successful with men 10/15 years younger than me

My success was mostly based on my new job as a fashion , glamour , erotic model and supporting actress

In those 2 years I was happy of my work , friends and style of life

The dark man enters in my life

But In January 2016 I started a new relationship with a man 10 years older than me

He appeared the perfect enchanted prince in the first six months and was thinking in that period that maybe I was wrong in dating men younger than me ,

Probably looking only for sex

Unfortunately this relationship with the older man was a catastrophe

He was a narcissist and tormented me every single day spent with him , with his gaslighting , controls , perversions , lies , mental games provoking in me massive panic attacks that ruined my mind and heart

I lost all my glamour , became obsessed with him and his mean behaviour , I did not use attention in my make up , outfits, hair and was isolated from all my friends

He made me feel guilty because I could not understand him playing with very young girls with the excuse to take pictures at their naked body in a studio of swindon

I am very liberal and open minded but he did not help me to understand his behaviour with those girls

He wanted me out of his life while playing with young girls and criticised me because I was not like them .

But when I was far from him working in London ( he was living nearby swindon ) he spent hours talking to the phone with me

I was confused because I did not know who I was and what I was looking for in that relationship

I wanted maybe a third husband , being an artist , a painter , enjoying experiences with him

Instead I found myself most of the time alone criticised by the man I loved in that moment because I was not like he was expecting

But when I told him I had enough he told me how big was his love for me !

Narcissist are the worst category of men ever met in all my life

My old narrow boat saved my life in those dark years

The only positive thing I decided to do in those dark years is to buy an old narrow boat to live when working in the capital far from the emotional abuses of the narcissist

Taking care of my boat , painting ,DIY works, cruises most of the time alone along the paddington canal helped me to restore a bit my mental sanity

Brave again

Finally after 3 years I had enough and was brave to finish the relationship

It was not easy but I knew I had to do in order to find the light again

It happened in December 2018

For eight months I decided no to date a single man ..even casual dating were out of my mind

Sex was not important in that period for me

Before I had to rebuild all my life , and restore my mental sanity and health

I left London , I sold my narrow boat where I was living in the meantime and arrived in Bristol

The light I found in Bristol

I have always loved south west of England

In September 2019 I was again happy of myself and enough confident to restart my dating experiences

This time I decided to pay for a dating websites but the experience was negative

I went back to plenty of fish and immediately I met two amazing men that still now are friends

Not sure in what I was looking for , I decided to have for about two years casual dating

And again a few toy boys arrived in my life

My intention were not serious and immediately I told them the truth

But they were nice , respectful with my privacy and my needs .

A couple of them tried to have something more than a casual relationship but I immediately stopped them because I was not feeling ready for a new love story .

Sometimes I think that young guys known much better women that older men

Men over sixty like my ex are part of another generation where women are considered ,unfortunately for most of them , like a sort of home decor

I had this problem with my ex when I was asking explanations about his disappearing and probably meet ups with other women

He answered me I was too much fixed with him , jealous and possessive because I was asking where he was when disappeared for 5 hours !!

Now I am finally ready for a more stable and serious relationship

I think my heart needs love and someone to love and looking around to find someone that can understand me and sharing part of our experiences of life

The age is not an obstacle for me and honestly looking for someone younger than me

Thanks for reading

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Actress, life model , blogger and writer , originally from italy but living in Uk since 2011 .She lives for art

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Laura Bernardeschi

Laura Bernardeschi

Actress, life model , blogger and writer , originally from italy but living in Uk since 2011 .She lives for art

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